Not torn anymore

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In my previous post I concluded that I was going to try and give it a go with the Nigerian man… well that didn’t  happen. The chemistry was there but that’s all it was- scientific! There was nothing else. He was not willing to be known by me and in many ways I missed the whole atmosphere I got with B, who by the way at this point was still my friend and still chat to periodically. I decided at this point I was better off being on my own and not fall into my previous ways of jumping into a relationship even when I know that’s not what I need or want.

I stopped talking to M altogether after all other than the chemistry there was really nothing else.

B on the other hand was still a feature in my life. I was speaking to him regularly, sharing the chronicles of my days with him. I think working in Manchester helps as we would meet for lunch on a Wednesday, walk around the Christmas markets enjoying each other’s company.

In my heart I was feeling that we should be together, but we were not! Macy Grays song was constantly on my mind. Finally we decided to take it slow and see how things will go!

And I am happy! I think this is my very first nature relationship.  it’s been three months and I haven’t cried once! We had some difficult conversations but still managed to stay calm. This is what I like about him- he calms me… and he doesn’t see me as a teen mum. To him as just a normal single mum. He is aware of what hurts me and he doesn’t go out of his way to make sure I hurt. This may seem like normal behaviour but trust me when I say I had not  experienced it yet until now. I don’t feel clingy because I am satisfied. I don’t feel insecure because I trust my heart with him. I know he will look after it.

I am not looking for a father for my son, but he gets along very well with him. He is gentle, calm, attentive and he listens to him. Even I am learning from him. I don’t know where this is going but I am happy I am on this ride, steady little bumps but that’s expected… x

Torn Part 3

It’s been a little while since my last post. I have been so busy try to juggle everything happening in my life. I really feel like my life is like a telenovela!

I have gone up and down trying to choose which of the two men I was going to be with. This sounds very shady and I can’t  justify the process myself.

Let me just make it very clear that I was never trying to choose one against another. It was against what I want and what I am looking for.

Let me start with B, whilst he is so nice, caring and an extremely encouraging friend, he is afraid of committing and he doesn’t want to have anymore kids. On that basis I can’t live in hope that he may change his mind. Whilst I don’t want a child today; I think this is something I really want in the future. I am only 29 so to close that possibility now seems very immature. Having considered all this, I told B that we should just be friends, this way I will never lose him and we will have a platonic relationship were the heart is protected and we can pursue other relationships that will ultimately meet our needs.

Talking to B was easy, very open and non judgemental. M, however is a whole different story. I already had massive reservations based on the fact he is part Nigerian. I suffered terrible heartbreaks at the hands of a couple Nigerian men and I really do not want to go through that again. But as the old African saying “where they get battered is where they go”. This means even though I know he may hurt me I still want to try. Shocking, I know!!!

 

 

The vow of silence

For a while now I have noticed that I now talk a lot and reveal aspects of my life I was never able to reveal before. I am amazed at the person I have become as I used to be the quiet one and never really shared much. Now I am an open book. I am  constantly trying to fill up the silence.

Often I see myself just talking non-stop and I wish secretly to stop but I don’t. This morning I read a couple articles trying to get insight on talking less. Mind you, I have read these articles beginning of the year when talking less was my New Years resolution. But six months later I think I even talk more than before.

I hope today when I get into work I will keep all my conversations work related and to a minimum. Surely no one needs to know what I did at the weekend and everything I ate.

One article suggest wearing a rubber band and snap myself each time I speak about me. So I will give this a go and see.

Here is to a new journey…

 

 

I am tired

lately “I am tired” has been my phrase of choice. I feel mistreated and I feel like God hasn’t heard my prayers. Maybe he has had them, maybe he is saying No! and I haven’t listened.

I know one day he will make it happen for me.. But the time doesn’t feel near. Since I had my child I have been waiting for that special family and it seems that not happening now.

I keep on trying to be in a serious relationship and it always go pear shaped. I am beginning to believe that something is wrong with me. It’s a very difficult pill to swallow.

My latest boyfriend has really turned into something else. He has now told me he is not ready for a serious relationship… Mind you my previous boyfriend said the same thing…and the one before that. This was after they pursued me like they were hungry.

What do I do wrong… I am at a loss of words. I am not bad looking… I am self sufficient and I don’t ask for much…all I need is that he spends time with me and apparently that’s too much to ask for…

As a teen mum… I am constantly in this loop… Like I am searching for something but never finding it. I constantly pray for Jesus to fix it… To fix me…

There is something seriously undesirable about me and Josh has told me that there is. I am so bitter… I just want to be okay… My weekends are awful and I cry constantly. At least now I know not to cry in front of my child.. But my pillow is soaked most nights.

I feel like I need to be in a relationship to complete me… But I am still not complete. How do I learn to just be happy by myself… To be content with my own being..,

i am so in pain.. And I am tired. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts but then I think about my child and I am forced to be strong…

please God fix it.,,

Torn

I am torn, torn between two men… both exciting, both attentive, both have this amazing twinkle in their eyes. But how do I choose. At 29 it’s difficult to choose… one minute I feel I must be with someone so my mother can shut up about my not being married and the next I want the freedom of just being on my own. Now I have two men…how do I choose?

I have read many articles online in search of advice.  It all seems very western- one article suggests playing the field till I know what I want truly, another proposes a list of pros and cons. But how do I trust my judgement… I have been wrong about boyfriends before, so faced with a choice how do I choose?

I like B- he is caring, kind… I like the way he squints his eyes  when he laughs… I like how he curls his legs together and look so comfortable. His kiss is soft and tender and I can feel his smile when we kiss. He is a very good dad…wanting the best for his daughter.. I admire the fact that he puts her first always and the glow on his face when he speaks of her. He has a very down to earth attitude, wowed by the fact that I like him!

Then M.. I like him too… had many reservations. Vowed I would never date a Nigerian guy again.., so smooth in his approach, very sure of himself. He is annoyingly handsome… I love the twinkle in his eyes… he knows there is another person but he is sure he will snatch me away from him. He likes me I can tell… but maybe he just wants my cookies.. he too has soft lips.. he is very ambitious like most Nigerian men… he brings excitement. I still need to get to know him but will my body allow for this to happen as I don’t know how long I can hold off on the physical

but B is homely… naturing. The sort that rubs your feet and massages your shoulders without me asking. He knows how to make a good cup of tea and when we spend time together he is super attentive but quiet when we are apart…

I must admit.. I dont know M as much…he intrigues me, I wanna know more. He certainly knows how to woo a woman

aahh! I don’t know how I am going to do this. I have known B the longest but M sees me every chance he gets.. texts every moment …

I wonder if M likes the thrill of chasing me. Do I like the thrill of being chased too??? Perhaps I do.!

I still don’t know what I am going to do.. who do I tell?? Or ask for advice?

First Ever Post

I actually don’t know where to start. I guess I wanted to start a blog as a therapy tool for myself. So I think the best place to start is a little introduction.

I got pregnant at the age of 15 making myself a teen mum. It’s strange as the tittle will never leave you even though today I am 28 years old. Being a teen mum is the hardest thing ever. It affects every aspect of my life and every decision I make.

I am no longer with the father of my child. I can’t even say I ever was with him since we were very young. I remember proclaiming love to him and wanting no one else but him, but today I cringe at the thought.  Wondering was I ever in love?, did I even know what love was?

It’s amazing how old we think we are as teenagers and as we grow up we realise just how young we are.

I am hoping that this blog will help me put a lot of things into perspective. My past, present and future, the dreams I have, the sacrifices I have made and the decisions I am still to make.

I can’t wait to discover myself and grow through this reflection